Stupid Sleepless Night

Time check: 3:18 AM
Alarm time: 4:00 AM

The coffee seemed like a perfect idea hours ago, and now I realized that I’d be welcoming my work later without sleep.
I rode my sick leave for six days due to pneumonia, google it. It freaking hurts, that disease. But now I’m off and well, bouncing off the walls and back into doing stupid things like not sleeping. Yea, yea. I know it’s me being self destructive but I swear, I wasn’t planning on this, I was just wasn’t thinking.
So, tossing and turning around y bed for hours, believe me I had come up with the most magnificent ways to lull myself to paradise, but it was no good. So here I am, typing.
To tell you the truth, my mind works faster during the dusk so I have no problem pouring words into this blank white window. But seeing now that the time for me to write is actually running out (yeah time, now you’re chasing after me!! You sonofabech!) I must go to that thing that actually made me give up trying to sleep and open my laptop.




It’s 4:48 and I’m just out from the shower. Here’s a quick plan, no coffee yet just breakfast then a quick nap on my commute, about 30 min or so then buy loads of coffee and soda and drink them at the hospital at 2 hours interval to avoid crashing.
Whatcha think?



Spoiler Alert: You Die in the End

The Tunnel

Stare into the light and imagine yourself standing inside this dark tunnel.
You subconscious mind knows exactly what this is, but right now you have no recollection of everything, but two — the feeling of heaviness and the hope to be freed from it.

Spoiler alert: You die in the end.
That’s what they say don’t they? We all know that that is the inevitable ending we all have. No choosing between two doors. Just one tunnel to go through, one light to go to, one exit for all of us.

And yet, people still get scared of the tunnel.
Am I scared to die? I asked this to myself.
No, not really.
I’m scared of what would happen to the people I’d leave behind. I’m scared of the pain that I’d leave them. Scared of the plans I’ve ruined for them. Scared of disappointing others who spent a lot of time paying for my education, my food and my necessities. Scared of leaving people who spent a lot of time loving me.

Aren’t we all?

I think that’s why dying is scary. Being biologically dead (aside from the short gasping for air part before that) doesn’t hurt.
As you all know, I’m a nurse. I see death all the time. The ones looming around a patient and the ones who’s already clenched its target.
My first time was heart wrenching, I cried (inside the restroom). The next was traumatic and the next ones…were expected. I was immunized.
I was sad for the family members, the others who got left behind. I condoled with them. I sympathized with their loss. But I was numb.
One second I’m giving mortem care, the next I’m wiping vomit from another.
We aren’t robots, but the only way to get through it is to get through it.
And that’s when I learned to accept the fact about life and death.

One dies here and another life springs forth there. It’s just there, waiting for all of us. One by one, out thread is cut and we cease to exist.

We all die. Oops, spoiler again.
So it’s a cliché but, I would still say it: Live your life as if it’s your last.
Because one day, it will be.
Accept the fact that when its time, its time. You’re up.
And the fear of leaving others behind?
Let them know that you are not scared of leaving. Let them know that you have already accepted the fact that your life has run its course. Well, whether you’ve already accepted it or not, I think it’s best to not burden them with it anymore. 

I know that I may not be entirely correct here. But I’m sure that greeting death like an old friend would free you from the fear.

Now let me ask you, are you scared to die?

Right now you have no recollection of everything, but two — the feeling of heaviness and the hope to be freed from it.

Will you keep walking?

Daily Prompt – Bookworms : Grab the nearest book. Open it and go to the tenth word. Do a Google Image Search of the word. Write about what the image brings to mind.
// Inspired by Mitch Albom’s The Five People You Meet in Heaven

Other posts regarding Bookworms:

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Free and Happy

Circling Friday the 13th date on calendar with...

Circling Friday the 13th date on calendar with marker (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Yesterday was Friday the 13th and it was supposed to be an unlucky day. It wasn’t for me.
I believe in luck and as a very lucky person (fact), I don’t let my self attract bad luck.
It was the last day of my IVT update yesterday and I dodged the half part of it because well, partly it was boring and mostly because I’ve already got the good parts.
Yesterday, I didn’t go home — again, and let myself enjoy the day away from stress. I won’t go into specifics but I could tell you that I did enjoy most of my day. I was a little depressed and I didn’t want to face my house so I didn’t. I’m a quite proud of myself because I didn’t cry for my sadness last night — good or bad?
Either way, I liked it.

It’s the third quarter of the month and I’m still sticking to my first ever New Year’s Resolution — Law of Attraction, Saying YES! to opportunities and Fuck IT! to stress. and it feels great. You know what, I think some people don’t think it’s that great, but you know what? I don’t give a rat’s butt about other people. Not too much these days anyway. I think, if tomorrow, I’ll be lying on my hospital bed, about to die, those people who has a lot to say about what I do with my life won’t be the ones feeling contented — I will. And that’s the truth. I love to celebrate being alive and well and this is how I celebrate it, doing what I like (within the limits of the law) :)
And here I am today sitting in front of my computer waiting for time to pass since I have to work tonight. HMP.

I’ve been planning a lot of things lately. Things that scares me. My mind is going through a lot and I think I should talk to somebody with a more stable thinking than me. If it’s supposed to happen it will happen right?
I’m still waiting for that “thing” I’ve been praying and hoping for and when it comes, I think I’d be able to decide.

On lighter matters, I’m still undergoing preparations for my out of town trip for my birthday next month and I think I’ve found the perfect date. I will request my non-working days tomorrow and start looking for fun itineraries. I’m still not sure of the place but wherever it is, I’m sure it will be a blast. :)

Shit happens and lemons are randomly thrown at us, but life goes on and it’s done before you know it. Wipe off the shit (clean it off you, really) and pick up the lemons, you know what to do with it! — lemon shooters, and let’s drink to life.

“I just want to make sure you don’t miss out on the things in life that happen when you’re not thinking. Because believe you me, those are the best things.”

– Nick’s Dad (New Girl Season 2 Episode 23)

Salt and Sand Under My Feet



I made a new widget on my sidebar titled “Salt and Sand Under My Feet” and the reason is because a month from now, I am supposed to be in El Nido Palawan. Yes, the picture on the left (or above?), that’s El Nido, a famous Philippine tourist spot. The white sand and clear blue waters. The cliffs the sun and wind. What’s not like?
But the problem here is that I don’t have access to Philippines’ Pork Barrel so, to get by, I need to get around 15K by mid october, which is like asking me to land on the moon by next week.  We all know how much a nurse here in the Philippines scrapes by, and I’m a nurse trainiee.  Accomplishing this task is next to impossible!
So starting today, I’ll do whatever It is that I need to do to keep my pesos. I’ll keep this countdown in my head (and blog) and really try to keep myself from buying things I do not need and buying food I don’t have to eat.

Speaking of food.
I also have a month to lose excess weight.

Oh my.
I have two impossible goals ahead of me – losing weight and saving money.
I have never won against these two, and now these two are against me, at the same time.
Good luck to me.

So, do you have any advice for this poor girl to save money?:(