Gabing Malumbay at Umagang Walang Gana

Habang iniisip ko kung isusulat ko ito sa salitang tagalog o ingles, sisimulan ko na muna sa aking native tongue.

Hindi maganda ang pakiramdam ko ngayon. Hindi talaga. Hindi physically eh. Wala na nga ang ubo ko sa wakas!
Hindi maganda ang pakiramdam ko emotionally.
Ganito kasi yan.
Umalis ako kahapon kasama ang mga bago kong kaibigan mula sa GIP. Kwento ko sayo ang tungkol dun sa
susunod. SO ayun, nag outing-outingan kami. Kumain, nauhaw, nagsaya, nagkwentuhan, nagswimming malamang, ayun nag bonding kami. Hanggang gabi yun, mgkakasama kami. Saya nga eh :) Iba nanaman naaalala ko tuloy. Balik tayo. Edi ayun na, sobrang pagod kagabi at antok, tapos paguwi ko samin, wala naman, wala namang nagalit sakin or anything, pero syempre may narinig akong mga bagay-bagay nung paakyat ako sa kwarto.

Nagaalala sila kung baka ano daw ang mangyari sakin kasama sa mga bago kong kaibigan. Hmm, naiintindihan ko naman ang side nila eh. Naiintindihan ko talaga, Babae ako, dalaga, maganda, sexy, HAHA!:) Kidding aside, alam ko naman ang kanilang pagaalala sa kalagayan ko ganun ngang babae ako at gabi na nun 10pm (aga-aga pa eh) tapos may mga kasama din kaming mga lalaki na hindi pa nila ganun kakilala at uminom pa kami. kahit sino naman magaalala dahil sa mga nabanggit kong factors diba?

Pero yung side ko kaya, naiintindihan din nila?
1. Maliit lang ako, pero matanda na ako. Alam ko na ang kaibahan ng tama sa mali at alam ko ang mga limitasyon ko.
2. Hindi ako tanga. Kinikilala ko muna ang mga taong sasamahan ko lalo na kung alam kong gagabihin ako kasama sila or pupunta kami sa malayo at lalo na kung magaaliw-aliw kami.
3. Hindi naman ako sasama sa mga taong alam kong hindi mapagkakatiwalaan! At lalong hindi ako nakikipaginuman sa mga lalaki na ako lang ang babae! At lalong hindi ako nakikipaginuman na tipong gumugulong na ako pauwi! At lalong hindi ko iniiwan ang inumin ko dahil alam kong iniisip ng mga matatanda jan yung eksenang iiwan mo ang inumin mo tas lalagyan ng gamot, paginom mo eh mahihilo ka tas marrape kana. Hindi po mangyayari yun dahil – shotglass ang gamit namin. Chos. Pero hindi nga talaga. Dahil nga sa sinabi ko sa #2. Hindi ako tanga.
4. Kung hindi nila maisip ang mga iyan, simple na kang eh, Gumraduate naman ako ng kolehiyo sa loob ng apat na taon at pinasa ko naman na ang isang napakahirap na board exam na halos wala pa sa kalahati ang pumapasa, dun nalang eh. Muka pa bang di ko ginagamit ang utak ko nun?
5. Sa buong buhay ko, kailan ba ako naguwi ng sakit ng ulo sa pamamahay namin? Kelan ako ngguidance at napacall parent? Kelan ako na suspend, na kickout? Kelan ako umuwing buntis? Hindi naman sa minamaliit kita dahil nangyari sayo yung mga nabanggit ko, ang sakin lang ginawa ko namang wag silang bigyan ng kahit anong problema, ano pa ba ang hinihingi nilang assurance?

Ito lang naman yan eh, iba ang pagaalala sa pagkawala ng tiwala. Iba yung pakiramdam nang may nagaalala sayo kesa sa pinaghihigpitan ka.
Jusmiyo, ilang taon na ako? 22 na ako sa 18 (Dalawang araw nalaaaaang!:D) Pwede na nga ako magasawa eh! Pero ganun pa din.

Alam mo ba ang kaibahan ng:
“San ka na? Gabi na, umuwi ka na.”
sa
“San ka na? Gabi na, kumain ka na ba jan? Magiingat ka”

Ano sa tingin mo?

Na didisappoint lang talaga ako. Tiwala lang naman sana, kahit kaunti, kahit kapiranggot, kahit katiting, kahit butil, kahit pagpapanggap na lang.
Konting tiwala lang sana.

Kaya madaming batang nagrerebelde, nagsisikreto at nagugulo ang buhay kasi minsan dahil na rin sa mga tao sa bahay nila. Hindi sa binibigyan kita ng rason para sisihin mo ang tao sa bahay niyo ah. Kasi nasa kabataan na rin yan kung talagang binibigyan nila ng rason ang pamilya nila para pagkatiwalaan sila, na sa posisyon ko naman eh oo.

Sa mga magulang diyan o kapamilya, simple lang naman yan eh, kung ayaw mo magsikreto sayo ang isang bata, wag mo syang husgahan. Maging open ka sa ideya nya, sa mga ikkwento nya, sa mga karanasan niya. Kasi dumaan ka din dyan eh. At sa kanya, lahat ay bago, first time nya pa lang mararanasan. At andyan ka hindi para pigilin yun. Andyan ka para gabayan siya.
Pag once nakita ng bata na mapagkakatiwalaan ka pala, makukwentuhan ka din pala. tuloy-tuloy na yun eh. At magiging open din siya sa input mo. Magiging open din siya sa advice mo at lalo mo syang matutulungan magdesisyon ng tama sa buhay. Di ba?
Magtanong ka at buksan mo ang tenga mo, at pagkatapos chaka ka mag guide. Alam kong nagaalala ka, alam kong habang nagkwkwento sayo ang bata e anu-ano nang eksena ang tumatakbo sa utak mo.
Pero pilitin mong huwag syang iblock kaagad kasi biglang titiklop yan na parang makahiya, at hindi ka na makakapasok ulit. Saan ngayon kukuha ng advice yan? Saan sya huhugot ng guidance?

Nalayo nanaman ang utak ko.
Tiwala lang. Konting tiwala sana. Minsan kasi sobra na eh, may breaking point din naman ako. Nasasaktan din ako.

Emot-emot,

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Web Log of Love

After how many days, here I am again. I’ve been busy with things. Busy with planning, practicing and with people. I lost an entire night of sleep last night so when I came home today at around 4pm, I slept and woke up at 10.
I ate an apple and then cleaned my house.
I am in a bit of pain today.

Web log on my latest short love story:
I lost my two suitors in one day. They didn’t even lasted a month, I haven’t learned enough about them, but sadly I had to make them stop. It was for the good of all those who are concerned. The pressure was too much. I can’t be with the other without hurting the other one and that was crazy since we belong to the same group and I am with them all the time. Besides, I don’t want to ruin their friendship and it fucking sucks to be in the middle of it all.

Here we go.

Suitor #1 let go. He said he respects my decision. I think, I’ll have to stay away from him a bit so he’d heal. I think I’m in like with him because he’s a really mature person. Though he thinks too much of things, he has a good heart, God fearing, thoughtful, responsible and respectful. Sounds exactly like the one I’ve been looking for right? So why do I  have to let him go? I don’t know exactly. All I know is that I am causing him pain. He said I will always be in his heart and in his mind and he’ll always be there if I ever need him. I feel very safe and secure when I’m with him.

Suitor #2 let go too. But it seems like he had a change of heart tonight. He said he wanted to continue. He said every minute of every day he’s yearning for me. I don’t think I could let him though. If I will, It would defeat the purpose of the decision. He’s a jolly person and he’s always smiling, that’s what I like about him. He’s sweet and protective though sometimes he gets overprotective. He changed a lot for me over the past week, I think it made him a better person. I feel happy when I’m with him.

Suitor #3 He’s new. I never thought he’d like me. I actually didn’t like him before because he was too flashy and something I hate more than liars are braggarts. But hey, I was being judgmental back then. Now that I know him, he’s really nice – I still think he’s flashy though. Waaay too fast for me. Keeps on asking when can he meet my parents and vice versa. Went out with him once, he failed my test.

Admirer #1 Said that it was unfair for him. And was asking why did I have to include him. Well, I told him that he’s already a part of the conflict so he should be a part of the solution. He’s a kid by heart (and by age) and I am really fond of him. He’s a quiet type or person but when he speaks his mind he speaks too frankly that you’d have to laugh. He’s funny and really, really sweet. I think right now he’s serious about his feelings for me, but I am only taking it lightly. I am thinking that when he goes back to school, he’d meet a lot of people and I don’t think it’s wise to invest my feelings for someone that can readily leave me behind. He said that I’m wrong, but we’ll see. He’s very vocal and showy about his love and I feel really comfortable with him.

Admirer #2 was a new comer really. I have a crush on him eversince, and I also thought there was no chance he can like me too. The first thing that comes into my mind when I think of him is a pastor. He speaks like a pastor!:) I can’t quite figure him out yet, he has a very conflicting image.
But anyway, he wasn’t included on the “solution” since as I said, he’s new and we weren’t really on the sweet stage yet. He’s very sweet too, and concerned about people’s well being. He’s a deep thinker and what I like about him is that he’s spontaneous. We were texting tonight and he said that he won’t sleep till I do – though I think he’s asleep now. He said he wanted to make me feel better, and he did. I feel light when I’m with him.

Admirer #3 This one, really I had no inkling that he likes me. We never talked in person and I though he has a crush on somebody else, but one day we had a chat on facebook – which was actually long, now that I think of it – and he told me that he likes me. That he wasn’t able to talk to me during our GIP because there were already a lot of guys surrounding me that’s why he just settled with liking from afar. I told him though that I can’t give back what he’s giving me and I like him only as a friend. He said it doesn’t matter, he said it’s okay as long as I let him show his love for me.

I’m not putting these down to brag or anything. I am not gorgeous or hot if that’s what your thinking. I am actually chubby most of the time, average beauty and intelligence. I am just easygoing, cheerful and weird.
I just want to lay down the qualities of these people and understand who and what they are about.
I also wanted you to know why I like them and most importantly, why it is hard for me to see them go. I also wanted some advice. Have I made the wrong decision to run away? Real life isn’t like the movies. Sometimes, you wonder who the one really is.
I’m full of questions right now, and the truth is I am tired of thinking.

God tests you in two ways – by giving you nothing, and by giving you everything all at once.



I don’t know what’s God’s plan for me, but I am ready for it.

Sleepy head,

When It Rains, It Pours

It’s a funny story really.
I woke up as early as 2:30 this morning because I dreamed (or was it remembered?) how our hands accidentally lingered when we high-fived the other day. I woke up in disappointment that it wasn’t real.
I thought about the whole mess and how in the end, I would definitely hurt somebody and I would most definitely hurt myself.
As the minutes pass by, I learn more about these guys and I can’t help but like them.
And “them” is dangerous.
I can’t fall for all of them!
I can’t fall, period.

I know I have to stop soon. I have to remove myself from them slowly. But as selfish as it sounds, I am just trying to be happy. And I am right now.
But this is wrong. I am not like this.
Then there’s the other two.
And now, I don’t know what to do.
I don’t want to hurt anybody.
I don’t want to hurt myself.

Off to my “work” now.

Off to see them again.

Heto nanaman.

May mga taong sadyang paasa. Tipong hindi naman nila gusto, e hinahayaan lang nilang mahulog sa kanila yung tao.
Pero ang hindi naman yun ang punto ko sa pagsulat nito. Ang punto ko ay isa ba ako sa kanila? Nitong mga nakaraang araw ay nalulunod na ako sa pagmamahal ng mga taong nasa paligid ko, bagong kilala man o hindi.
At kahit hindi nila hinihingi na mahalin ko din sila ay pinapakita parin nila at sinasabi ang kanilang nararamdaman. Hindi sa gusto ko lang ng atensyon, kundi dahil hindi ako manhid at sadyang nahuhulog narin ako sa kanila.
Kanila.
Hindi naman pwedeng mahulog sa madaming tao ng sabay sabay diba? Mayroon at mayroon pa ding isa dyan na nangingibabaw.
Ikaw ba naman ang pag sabihan ng “mahal kita” parati. Lunurin sa kasweetan at kabaitan. Hindi ka ba lalambot?
Alam kong hindi pwede, dahil sa mga iba’t ibang personal na dahilan (tulad na lang ng edad!:D), pero hindi ko pa din mapigilan.
Ang hirap kasi iccontrol e. Hindi naman kasi yun utak.
Lagi ko nalang sinasabi sa sarili ko na hindi ako pumasok doon para makahanap ng taong mamahalin. Iba ang goals ko ngayon at hindi ako nghahanap nag nobyo.
Siguro ay hihintayin ko na lang na matapos ang dalawampung araw para malaman ko.
Madalas kasi, tumitigil naman yun pag hindi na kayo nagkikita e.

Nagmamasid,

Isipin Mo

Isang segundo, Dalawang segundo, Tatlong segundo

Marami kang gustong gawin

Maraming plano

Maraming pinagiisipan pa

Maraming pinagdududahan pa

Ilang oras na ang binigay sayo para mabuhay dito sa mundo?

Sa loob ng ilang oras na iyan

Ilan ang nilaan mo para sa mga gusto mong gawin?

Sa mga plano mo?

Sa pagiisip?

Sa pagdududa?

Ilang oras na ang nasayang mo?

Sa pagsisisi?

Na sana ginawa ko?

Na sana di ko ginawa?

Ang buhay ay isang malaking silid aralan

Madaling matuto

Pero kung hindi ka naman papasok

Hanggang grade 1 lang talaga ang maabot mo

Kailangan meron kang gawin upang matuto

Kung gusto mo gawin ang isang bagay

Gawin mo

Ngayon na

Dahil hindi ka hinihintay ng mundo

Umupo ka man dyan at magisip

Patuloy itong iikot

At tuloy tuloy pa rin na nauubos

Ang oras mo

Ilang oras na lang kaya ang binigay sayo para mabuhay dito sa mundo?

Isang segundo, Dalawang segundo, Tatlong segundo

Isipin mo

-Cherry F.