OFW Blues

Anong pinakamahirap bilang OFW? 


Hindi yung oras ng trabaho tapos walang off.

Hindi yung luto laba plancha kada “off”.

Hindi yung masama ang pakiramdam mo pero kailangan mo pumasok para walang deduction.

Hindi yung kumpanya na mapapasukan o ibang lahi na kailngan pakisamahan.



Lahat yan kayang tiisin e.


Ang pinakamahirap bilang OFW ay yung lahat ng yan titiisin mo na nga, tapos malayo ka pa sa mga mahal mo na tanging pinaghuhugutan mo ng lakas.

Lorna Franco 1970 – 2015

Nakita ko yung huling post ko bago to, yung Bullet Journal na ginawa ko. At ang nakakatawa doon ay sobrang kabaliktaran yung ako sa blog post na yun at ako sa blog post na ito — at sa pagitan lang yun ng isang buwan mahigit.

Actually, nung August nagpunta ako sa Pilipinas. Anim na buwan lang mula nung huling uwi ko. Ang rason ay dahil namatay yung tita ko mula sa sakit na Cancer.
Siya lang ang nag iisang kapatid na babae na mama ko at kami-kami lang ang magkakasama noon sa bahay kasama ang kapatid ko at lola ko. Hindi ko alam ang mararamdaman. Sobrang lungkot dahil nabawasan nanaman ang pamilya namin sa loob lamang ng anim na buwan, at dahil nabawasan nanaman ng baliw sa aming bahay. Pero syempre nahaluan na rin ng kapanatagan dahil alam ko na hindi na siya hirap ngayon doon kung nasaan man siya.

Merong part doon sa burol niya na maikling programa na nagpakita ng video presentation tungkol sa kanya, maikling misa at dasal at sa huli ay maaaring magsalita ang mga tao tungkol sa kanya. Gusto ko magsalita ngunit, hindi ko kaya. Hindi ko kaya magsalita ng hindi humihikbi at pag nagsimula na akong umiyak, siguradong hindi na ako makakatigil.

Sabi sa akin noon nung napasama ako sa GIP, ‘Parang ang sungit ng tita mo. Parang strikta.’ Napangiti nalang ako kasi ang hindi nila alam, baliw din ang tita ko sa bahay. Tipong sumasayaw nalang bigla at kumikembot, kumakanta bigla kahit nasa public place at lagi namin siyang inaasar na “humuhuni nanaman ang ibon” kasi nga choir member siya at laging nagppractice ng kanta o nag vvocalize bigla kung saan-saan. Ugali din niya yung biglang papasok sa bahay at sasabihing “Gusto mo ba ‘to? Di ko na ginagamit tong (bag, blouse, sapatos)”. At dahil magkasize din kami ng paa, sa kanya ako nanghihiram ng sandals na kailangan ko.

Sabi nila pag namatay ka daw, biglang ikaw na ang pinaka mabait na tao sa mundo at ang dami mong kaibigan bigla. Yung tita ko, hindi ganon. Kahit noong buhay pa siya, masasabi ko na talaga na mabuti siyang tao. Siya yung hindi marunong magalit unless kailangan, katulad noong pinagagalitan niya ang lolo ko kasi laging umuuwi ng lasing sa bahay, pero hindi ka niya sisigawan o kakagalitan dahil meron kang pagkakamali. Pupuntahan ka niya sa kwarto at kakausapin ng malumanay at ieexplain sa iyo kung anong pagkakamali mo.

Siya yung bigla na lang magtatanong sa aming magkapatid kung gusto ba namin magpadeliver ng ganito o ganun, tapos kami naman tatawag sa telepono para magpadeliver ng fastfood at tuwang tuwa naman kami. Kami din yung magpaparinig sa kanya na “sweldo ata ngayon a, parang ang sarap mag pizza” tapos maya maya sasabihin nun, magpadeliver na kami. Minsan naman sasabihin na lang niya “O, baba kayo doon may dala akong ganito o ganyan sa baba.” Hindi siya madamot. Kuripot siya oo, kilala na namin siyang ganun dahil marunong talaga siya humawak ng pera, pero pag dating sa aming mga pamangkin niya, o sa lolo at lola ko, hindi siya magdadalawang isip na maglaan ng pera.

Simula pa noon, taong 2009 – 2010 na nagsimula siya ma-diagnose na may benign breast tumor at nag pa-opera, hindi mo siya mariringgan ng reklamo na nakakapagod o mahirap o nakakasawa na. Lalo na yung nag iisang araw na hinding hindi ko malilimutan. May breast cancer na siya noon at nagsimula nang mag Chemotherapy. Nalagas na yung buhok niya at bumili siya ng wig na gagamitin niya pag pag pasok sa trabaho. Noon unang araw niya na suot yung wig, tingin siya ng tingin sa salamin at nahihiya daw siyang lumabas, halata daw ba na wig. Sabi ko sa kanya na ayos lang yun, maayos naman at bagay naman sa kanya. Lumabas kami nun ng bahay, at yung tingin niya sa mga taong nakatingin, nginingitian niya sila at parang natatawa na lang siya sa sarili niya. At ako naman yung pigil na pigil na naluluha dahil ang tapang ng reaksyon niya at naiinis na din ako sa mga kapitbahay na chismosa na gusto kong sigawan na ngayon lang ba sila nakakita ng taong may sakit, pero mostly naiiyak ako nun kasi nakita ko sa kanya na siya pa yung parang nahihiya na baka ano ang sabihin ng iba at nakakaproud dahil kinaya niya at kinaya nya sa positibong paraan. Hinding hindi ko malilimutan yung ngiti niyang yun. Yung moment na yun. Nakatatak sa utak ko.

Noong araw ng burol niya, ang daming nagpunta, ang daming nakiramay, personal at thru Facebook. At hindi mo lang doon makikita yung condolence kundi mababasa mo din doon yung message nila kung paano siya naging inspirasyon sa kanila. Isa kasi siya sa mga officers ng Youth Bureau ng Manila City Hall kaya maraming dumaan na kabataan sa kanila na binigyan nila ng trabaho thru GIP and SPES. Mga kabataan na hindi lang nila inilayo sa tambay at binigyan ng summer activities kundi bingyan nila ng mga bagong kaalaman at ginising ang pagmamahal sa bayan.

Mamimiss ko yung kakulitan ng tita ko lalo na yung pag upo niya sa tabi mo tapos bigla kang kukurutin sa bilbil. Yung uutusan ka bumili ng coke sa tindahan, yung aayain ka mag mall. Yung prisensya nya sa bahay at yung pagiging jolly niya na akla mo walang pinagdadaanan.

Ang sarap din pakingan nung misa na nilaan sa kanya doon sa simbahan kung saan siya nag choir. Personal siyang kilala ng pari kaya personal din yung homily at kinuwento niya kung paanong isang araw ay nagusap sila ni tita at sa paguusap nilang iyon at pinagdasal niya si tita at doon biglang tumulo ang mga luha ni tita, hindi daw dahil sa hirap o galit kundi dahil sa pagtanggap sa prisensya ng Panginoon at pagtanggap sa plano ng Panginoon para sa kanya.
Sobrang nakakagaan sa pakiramdam na makita at marinig sa mga kakilala niya at kaibigan kung anong naidulot niya sa kanila dahil habang mayroong isang tao na dala dala yung mga aral na naiwan niya, mayroon pa ding tita Lot na nagkalat sa buong Maynila.

Black Hole

It was bound to happen, sooner or later the dam will come crashing down with the weight of the water.

It feels like I’m floating. Like I’m detached to the physical world that I  can only vaguely interpret what my senses are sending to my brain. I cannot plan the next things I need to do, I can’t follow my own imposed schedule, I’m tired and sleepy but I cannot sleep. These are the side effects of stifling your emotions like keeping all the tentacles of an octopus inside a net bag. And I feel so… confused. 


I want to cry. I want to mourn the death my aunt. And now as I type this inside the KFC — I don’t know why I ate out. I’m lost — My brain is blocking the idea of her. Because I don’t want to cry here. Not only here in KFC but here in Dubai. I don’t wanna mourn here on my own. I want to hug my sister, I want to hug A, I want to see my family. I want to open the damned dam when I get home, and I still have four days of walking lost in the world, like a balloon attached by a long string from my own body. Is it possible that  I’m still in denial even though I have already anticipated this? 


I’ve been anesthetized. Death don’t shock me much anymore, I don’t if it’s because of my profession or because of the trick I’ve taught myself for a long time — to move on quickly and look at the bright side. And I don’t know of it’s a blessing or a curse to have the ability to block your own emotions from yourself. 


I’m a bubble getting bigger and bigger, and only time will tell when I’ll pop. I just hope it’s not while I’m still here especially now that I’m having PMS and I want to cry and at the same time punch these men in the face for looking at me. I’m in a very bad hole right now and I badly want to be reached, but at the same time I don’t want to.

Yeah, I know.

How to Make a Bullet Journal

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I’ve been planning to make my own planner for weeks now. I’ve already started to jot down forms that I personally need and came up with a minimalist design that can be printed out on a half-sized bond paper.

I was looking online for tips, design and any other forms I might need, when lo and behold, I came across Bullet Journaling on Pinterest. It was an awesome day.

Bullet Journal is a planner of some sort where you simply jot down all your tasks. notes or appointments on a day to day basis. If you have accomplished a task, simply tick it. If you haven’t, place an arrow indicating that you have migrated the task for the next day. It’s really simple! I fell in love with the fact that I can just write down everything with no fuss and be able to review them everyday because my old ways — piles of to-do scratch papers just won’t do anymore.
To know more about Bullet Journaling visit this site: BulletJournal.com

I’ve already made an outline for my personal planner. I’ve recycled this and picked out the ones I will be needing in my Modified Bullet Journal. Before you begin your outline, you can write down the subcategories you might need, for example: Monthly calendar overview, Weekly finances, Goal planner etc.

After outlining and designing your needs, it’s time to start!
The first thing you need to have is, of course, a notebook. It doesn’t matter what kind you prefer but I suggest buy something that has grids instead of just lines. I personally prefer this graphing notebook because it’s cheap and can be used exactly the same way as you might use a Moleskine notebook that’s three times its price. Again, it’s your choice.

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The second thing you must have is your favorite pen. I use Pilot G-tech .3 especially delivered from Manila. I like thin pens and since I can’t find one here, I imported it from the Philippines. ♥ It’s perfect with my graphing notebook because I need a thin pen for the small boxes. When you have these two, you are all set. The next ones on the list are optional.

Colored pens – To make your life colorful
Highlighters – To make important tasks stand out
Ruler – If you suck at making straight lines like me.
Ribbon – As a bookmark

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I’m happiest when my brain is working to create something. Monotony is the death of me — @Cerrise, Instagram

This is the notebook I found on a supplies store near Satwa Bus Station. It has a hard plastic covering instead of cardboard. I love it!

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Spiral Notebook    —  22 AED
Ruler                   —   2 AED
FineLiner 12 Pcs   — 12 AED
Highlighter 3 Pcs  —   5 AED
—————————————-
Total Spent:             41 AED

If you’ve found cheaper supplies, good for you! Comment below and share where you found them. ☺

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The first page would have been the Index. I don’t think I’ll be using that much though. It’s like a table of contents so when you’ve already filled your notebook and wanted to reminisce the year 2015, you’ll know where to find that one entry you made about a recipe you’ve perfected.

The second page on my Bullet Journal is the Legend. It is where you can write the symbols you’ll be using on your notebook.

  • Square – For tasks. Fill it completely for completed tasks and half-way for unfinished tasks. — Captain obvious. When you were not able to accomplish the task for that day, simply place an arrow inside the box, pointing to the right. This means, you have migrated the task to be completed the next day. If the task became irrelevant to your life, simply cancel out its existence with a strike-through
  • Circle – Events that happened or will happen. Like for example, you cooked Lasagna for lunch. Your dog got pregnant. You slept 13 hours — Rock on!
  • Triangle – for appointments you need to schedule, usually paired with an arrow pointing to the left accompanied with the date you have set for it
  • Heart – For quotations, just because.
  • Dot – For side notes I need to remember, comments I have with things and the like.
  • Exclamation Points – For important tasks I need to complete first
  • @ sign – For tasks I need an internet/computer to accomplish

The beauty of Bullet Journal is that you can come up with any format or legend you want. If you can draw little icons for each then do so. If you want something as simple as a dot, you’re free to do it. What matters is that your legend will work for you and it will fit your needs for your Journal.

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This is the cheat sheet I made so I don’t have to count boxes every time I start a new month or year. If your notebook has 42 boxes vertically and 27 boxes horizontally then my measurements will work for you!☺

 

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Making my calendar for the month of August.

The first thing I will see every month is the Monthly Calendar. I only added this feature on my Modified Bullet Journal because I need to see my monthly work schedule and off days. I also need to see my schedule lessons and tasks ( the colored text on top) as corresponding boxes on a certain date so I would now what’s scheduled on that day and how many tasks I’ve already missed.

Take note that you will eventually make mistakes and it’s okay. Humans make mistakes and this is what makes us humans. Also, try to focus next time. Ha!☺
I have 5 rows, one for each week and extra spaces below for months that has 6 weeks on them like August 2015.

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Year at a glance page for birthdays, special events you need to remember for the whole year. You can put it on two pages, 6 months for each. I crammed it on one page since it’s almost the end of the year and there’s nothing there for the first six months anymore.

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The Future Log. This is where I write down recurring tasks or tasks that I don’t need to finish on a certain date or month. Just a task I need to do in general.  Also, as a principle, Bullet Journals cannot be made in advance. You make it on a day to day basis to review your accomplishments, so, I placed here on the Future Log my appointments that I need to schedule on the upcoming months that I have not made yet. I also placed here things I need to review or make before I start a new month.

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After the Future Log is the Daily Task Page I’ve added reminders on the top of each day as a short summary of the things I am monitoring. Example is the blue boxes that I fill out every 250 ml of fluids. Yep, I’m that kind of person. Because I rarely drink water I need a visual reminder. There’s also a box there for menstruation monitoring, sleep, meals, exercise and money spent that day.

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Another think I can’t make myself to throw away. This ribbon was from 2013 and now I know why I’ve been keeping it. ☺

You can see on the other page that I didn’t use it as a task page. That’s another beauty of Bullet Journal. It’s basically a notebook that you build everyday so if you need to jot down something in relation to your tasks at hand, just turn the page and your notes will be there.

These are the other pages I made. They are written at the back of the notebook and will expand from back to front as necessary.

Password Page – I have a memory of a goldfish, that’s why.

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Savings Page –  On the X-axis are the months which I started from June 2015 – November 2016). On the Y-axis is the list of things I need to save on.

X – Null months. No need to save.
Double Line – Deadline for saving.
Shaded Boxes – Months where I had successfully saved.

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My 21 Days Page.  It takes 21 days for habit to form so I made this to track new habits I want to inculcate in my life. ☺ I’m so excited to try it out and the same time afraid that I might have a permanent visual representation of my failures. Hah!

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So there!
That’s my Modified Bullet Journal. It’s been 3 days and I’m still ecstatic about it! I open it every morning when I get home from work and every night to prepare for my next day. I’ve never been so organized in my life. It helps me balance my time and days and help me track not only my schedule but my health and my holistic well being.

I hope you also have fun making your Bullet Journal (and sticking to it!)
Comment below if you have questions or suggestions to out fellow starting Bullet Journalists. Happy planning! ☺

EDITED:
I accidentally deleted my bullet journal photos so I took new photos of it. That’s the reason why it’s already filled up. ♥

-Cerrise

August 11, 2015

3:45 PM

Everyday I am trying to be a better version of myself. Settling in a routine or work and home eliminated most of the things I need to do because I usually just end up tired and hungry after work. Most of the things I want to do just spring up sporadically in a month and during my off days. I know, my period must be coming because I am again up and about wanting to do a bunch of things, planning this and that so I am trying to hold on to some of it before the hormones pass on.

Physically — I personally see changes and that makes me giddy and lazy at the same time, because my evil self keeps telling my good self that I CAN make a change in my body any time I want so I can postpone it for things like chips, sweets, lying on bed all day… So I am trying the hardest battle of all time, to stay fit and choose food wisely. I want to win but right now, the battle is still going on.

Mentally — I am losing my English and spelling abilities and my Nursing knowledge is fading away so I will work on these also by incorporating them in my monthly planner (something I am trying to accomplish today). I am trying to learn to read, write and speak Arabic also so I have lots of work to do as I am back to kindergarten level. I have YouTube subscriptions to Arabic teachers which I try to watch when i have free time, but ever since I was introduced to Clash of Clans game application, my time seemed to warp. I am also trying to understand proper Tagalog writing which might surprise you since I’m Filipino, but yeah, I have also a lot to learn because I don’t use Filipino in proper context when I write. Wow, these Languages.

Emotionally — I can, aside from Spritual state, this is also my strong suit. I am emotionally stable because I have successfully trained myself to see the good in everybody and the positive spin to everything. Though being moody hinders my ability sometimes, I have a partner to re-calibrate me so I’m grateful for that :)

Spiritually — I’ve always had this connection with God and I am trying to remember to talk to him even when I have nothing to ask for and I make it a point to thank him for all the little things around me. One of my goals is to try to teach these things also to the people I love, which is harder than I thought because I have no idea how to make them see the way I see things (Writing that on my to-learn list now). It’s also a little harder to influence the adults because they have their own beliefs and traditions and these are hard-set on them already. I will still try of course as I am an instrument of God and He’s given me this gift of connection and wisdom for me to affect others with His help.

Socially — This is my weakest state because I hate humans. Ha! Kidding aside, I am working with my Social Skills as I try to talk to people now and make conversations. I am happy to report that I am improving. What I need to work on is the way I talk to people close to me because I am very straight forward and sometimes, when they don’t understand that everything I say comes out of love and they get offended. I also don’t like to mingle with them (even if they’re my friends) if I don’t like their topic at that moment (talking about other people) so I distant. I can’t help it if I don’t like shallow talks and repetitive problems that they don’t want to fix themselves. But aside from that, I am working inside my cocoon to be a fully winged social butterfly! (Not gonna happen)

I want to be a well rounded person, and yes I think about all these aspects of my life. I don’t know if everybody is like this or I am overthinking it, but for me it’s healthy, because who’s going to improve you other than you?

I also thought that I am not a planner, turns out I am. Now, I am planning details of my life to the dot (I am not really good at following them though.☺) to the point that I am working on to make a planner for myself because I have lots of scratch papers in my bag. I also learned that I’m not really into stylus and screen and still a pen and paper girl as I get more stuff out of my brain with these instruments than typing or tapping. SO my Samsung Note 4 plan is now under observation.

My budget plan is scratched out since new things emerged and some old plans were eliminated, I am now sure that all plans no matter how stable and perfect will have its holes and will eventually crumble, and that’s okay because we can plan new things and start new pages. Whoa almost got carried away there…

I am also thinking about my future (duh), when to get married, how many kids, where to live and how the hell to start these things with my meager salary. So I am making my game plan. I will probably tell you (probably not) when I am done thinking about it.

Also, It was my day off yesterday until tomorrow morning, so I tried to bake a Pizza and Buffalo Chicken! I will tell you all about it when I finished my to-do list today. I am halfway there so, I’ll see you soon.

Air kiss.