Half Yours

imageThe hardest part of being far away is that you see him everywhere.
He’s sitting alone by the bus stop you happen to be at.
He’s walking at the opposite side of the road on your way home.
He’s the pair of legs in front of you on the escalator.
He’s the voice you heard behind you talking on the phone saying “Lapit na ako, see you soon”.

And you want to sit with him so bad and accompany him while waiting for the bus.
You want to walk with him and share your umbrella, maybe punch him a little for walking under the sun like that.
You want to step up beside him, hold his hand and listen about his day.
You want to be the one on the other end of the line answering with “Sige, ingat ka ha? I’ll wait”.

But it’s never him.

Your conscious mind know it isn’t him but only his shoes, his arms, his skin, his built or his height. But still, you choose to pretend so you could see him for a while.
Like a good feeling from a dream you’re fighting to hold on to, though in your mind you already know it isn’t true.

And your heart breaks every time he’s there but he isn’t. You die a little when you see pieces of him scattered around you everyday. And you just look at the floor and walk past by him. You’d walk past by him and the girl he’s holding hands with. You’d walk past by these matching couple shoes walking ahead of you. You’d look away and leave him to sit on his own. All the while you keep on thinking that it should have been you. It should have been him. And you just bite your tongue because you need to prevent your eyes from sweating, because there’s never a sound while a heart is breaking.

But you’ll carry on. Because the pain is temporary and you know that true love can wait. It can sacrifice. It can trust and it can be trusted. It can rejoice with the challenge and grow stronger with the absence. It can go beyond big fights and petty fights. It can give space and time. It does not run on just a series of nows but also in the vision of tomorrows. And to see you everywhere is the hardest but also the sweetest part, because it tells me that I have a live beating heart here inside my chest, that is half yours.


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