The truth is I was scared. I was scared that I would be fooled and lied to again. I was scared that in my absence, I would be forgotten. I was scared that the awful things playing in my mind would finally materialize the moment I lose sight of him. That was why I never believed in long distance relationships. I’ve seen too much and went through so much that it’s hard for me to believe that there’s a way one person can be hopelessly devoted to you and your partnership.
LDR is hard. I won’t shit you. Heck, relationships alone is hard!
A large percentage of LDRs usually end in tears and that is a known fact. It’s like getting through a disease, like, let’s say Dengue Fever. People can recover from it but people can also die from it, depending on how the disease was managed. LDRs are the same thing. The end result would depend on you, on your partner and on the both of you working together. It actually just boils down into how much you love each other. That’s the secret, I think. If you love each other enough that you can’t stomach to like any other human being, then you’re halfway into winning it.
The Boyfriend and I have been away for 5 months now and we are getting by. We had already fought of course, about time and schedule and keeping updates with each other but we always end in a good discussion on what we should do next time and how to make the relationship better.
We are both expressive with our feelings — we say it to each other, we send it through small gestures and we show it physically. That’s what we miss first and foremost, our physical connection. We often hug, kiss and cuddle, so when that was out of the picture we were like addicts on withdrawal. If you’ve ever craved for a specific kind of food for so much at one time, then you know how we feel, only we cannot call a hotline and ask for delivery or visit the grocery for a fix. We don’t have a fix.
The best thing that I love about us is that we have an open line of communication, we can tell anything to each other even if it might hurt, and when we fight we can calmly talk about the problem at hand and how to resolve it — towards the end of the fight anyway. So, naturally, we talked about how we can substitute what we had with what we have now. Communication, as you might already all know, is the only thing you can supply in place of hugs and kisses. We set up schedules on when we can talk and adjust them accordingly depending on each other’s schedule. We keep each other updated on what’s happening with our day and we stay connected everyday. We play online multi-player games with each other and watch our series together, all via the God given gift — Skype. We also have this one tradition before that we had carried over and that is to sleep at the same time while keeping our Skype open. We talk at night and keep the line on until we both fall asleep and the connection terminates on its own or miraculously stay on until we wake up the next day. That’s my favorite tradition of ours actually. When his sleepy voice tells me “good nights and I love yous” and the sound of his steady breathing, the noise on his environment and the static on the line feels like we are together on our own third space and in those moments I both feel sad of longing and happy of having something special to share with someone equally special.
Yeah we have our differences, and we’ve had fights but we also have something that gives us strength to keep holding on to what we have. Something that keeps the flame alive even on the most windy days.
But… Am I still scared?
YES. Of course.
Scared not that he might replace me or betray my trust, but scared that we might get used to the distance that we forget the things that connects us. Scared that I might fade in the background as his life goes on and scared that I might only become the voice on the telephone. And these things grip me, as much as he assures me all the time, it still gets me. These fears on the background, leashed at the back of my mind, howling from time to time.