And then I look around and all I see is drama. I know how difficult it is to contain an exploding emotion, but to actually lash this anger and frustration to other people around you, is this understandable? It’s difficult to understand other people when your mind is clouded by your misunderstandings of yourself. How I wish I could help, but your negativity is like a tsunami and I’m a bucket in the shore.
I’ve learned these coping mechanisms in my nursing school and I know that these things are crucial to lead a sane life. So what’s my coping mechanism?
I would lock myself inside my room, my door acting like a magical barrier from the heat outside of it. I stay out of our house as long as I can and avoid negative people as much as I can. If I could get on with my day without an encounter, without seeing her, hearing her, smelling her or even feeling her, that would be perfect. Imagine waking up and feeling drained out of happiness because the person you are living with is already banging things around the house, telling you to do chores she doesn’t feel like doing. Making you feel useless and reiterating to you how you are failing her and how you’re such a big disappointment.
Fuck. Can’t seem to swear enough these days.
And now I feel like I am beginning to feel the same. I am trying to live my life without negative thoughts and hate. I want to surround myself with positive people. And like a virus this thing keeps on creeping up inside me.
How much I want to run away from here, you have no idea.
If only I wouldn’t have my sister to be left behind, I am already long gone.
Hell, I’m still here but already long gone.