Sorry.

You know that feeling that you feel sometimes that you can’t even start to explain the pain that you are feeling?

Caution: Major rant ahead.

That’s how I am. a little difficult to contain the entirety of my emotions, especially when the person who’s given me this much stress, pressure and agony is the person I don’t want to argue with.
I don’t know what’s the reason behind it, is it generation gap? Is it the fact that this is the longest time that we we’ve lived together? Is it because I don’t know how to be a good daughter, or maybe because she doesn’t know how to be good mother?

Yes, my mother.
It’s difficult to explain because I know what you’ll tell me. I shouldn’t have been arguing with her, I should respect her, She loves me dearly.. etc.
I’ve heard it all before. But you don’t know what she’s like.

Most of the time she’s like bipolar.
You can’t sense what to act around her because she’s so volatile. One minute she’s joking around with you, the second she’s mad. She slams things when she’s angry. she won’t speak to you. She’d tell you insults. She’d tell you to do things she herself doesn’t follow. And when you do the said things without her telling you, she won’t appreciate it, and worse, she’d slam it down your face verbally. When she’s mad about something, then she’s mad at you too. She’s making it clear that she’s not happy living with us, her daughters, and she’s better off somewhere else without having to deal with us. We are good for nothing besides giving her stress. She can’t wait for us to grow up so we can work and give back to her the money she spent on our education and give her back the time she wasted just to provide for us. It’s seems to us like if there’s only a chance that she could trade us with another set of children, she will.
This is what I am feeling and I am not even over reacting. I’m not childish and I’m not stupid. I cry when somebody hurts her and I get stressed just thinking on how I could give back to our family.

But it’s really difficult to be around her sometimes. I’ve keeping my actions in check, but now I can’t hold it anymore. We had a fight a while ago because she’s pushing me this job that I do not want. She asked me, and said that I have to give her my decision that instant. So I said no, I don’t want it.
And then it started. The word vomit flew out of my mouth. No, silly, I didn’t swore. I just told her some of the things I am feeling. Not even close to everything that I wanted to say. It’s difficult because you feel needed and yet unwanted.

Maybe you feel different with your mother. Maybe she’s sweet and she takes care of you like a real 50’s mom. Does she asks you if you’re back is sweaty? Gives you milk when you can’t sleep or asks you if everything is alright with your life right now? Does she understand how to deal with a child at one specific age group? Or does she treat you neither an adult nor a child. You’re simply.. a daughter.

I don’t want to hate my mother. I though child vs. mother was so overrated because of the movies.
But now it’s all clear to me, I wanted to be like her when I my time comes. I want to have her strength and perseverance in life. But I don’t want to be like that to my children. I’m sorry to say this, but God forbid..

Do you have any thoughts? I won’t judge you.

4 thoughts on “Sorry.

  1. Teh Megan says:

    I completely understand where you're coming from. I'm pretty sure my mom IS bipolar, but when her doc suggested it, she stopped seeing that doc because she WAS NOT bipolar, she argued. Le sigh.

    I consider myself as having a good childhood, although there are always some bad parts, but it was once I was a teenager that the emotional abuse started. To the point that when my parents got divorced, I moved in with my Dad.. until he and I had a HUGE falling out because of and argument we had. I moved back in with my Mom and she was fine for a while, but then all hell broke loose.

    You could never predict if what you said would set her off or not, so it was very difficult to relax at home. I was also relieved to go to school or work. There were times that I was worried that I had pissed her off too badly, so I'd sleep with my cell phone beside my pillow in case she came in my room in the middle of the night with the intention to hurt me (she never did, but she came in one night yelling and scared me beyond belief).

    Just know that eventually, you'll be able to move out and things won't be as bad as they are now, because it won't be the most prominent source of stress in your life. That doesn't make it better now, but sometimes you just have to explode every once in a while and then try and let it go most of the other times.

    For me and my mom, we haven't had a good relationship since I moved in with her, and well after I moved out, I still couldn't trust her, so our relationship has continued to decay. I don't think either of us mind too much.

    When all else fails, tell her to stop taking her pre-empty nest syndrome out on you. ;)

  2. Ginny says:

    I can't stand walking on egg shells around someone, it's very stressful. Hopefully when you are not living together your relationship will improve. As for right now, I wish I had some advice. Blogging your feelings, I hope helps some!

  3. Cherry F. says:

    It's sad to hear that your mother actually is bipolar as it is quite hard to relate to especially as a child. I can't imagine what it was like to live with constant anxiety. I'm glad though that you are fine now and that both of you are comfortable with your situation. :)

  4. Cherry F. says:

    Yes it is hard and yes, blogging does help a lot. Since we're still living together, because it is in our culture to stick together, we have to work our differences out right now. Thank you for your concern!:)

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