You know that feeling that you feel sometimes that you can’t even start to explain the pain that you are feeling?
Caution: Major rant ahead.
That’s how I am. a little difficult to contain the entirety of my emotions, especially when the person who’s given me this much stress, pressure and agony is the person I don’t want to argue with.
I don’t know what’s the reason behind it, is it generation gap? Is it the fact that this is the longest time that we we’ve lived together? Is it because I don’t know how to be a good daughter, or maybe because she doesn’t know how to be good mother?
Yes, my mother.
It’s difficult to explain because I know what you’ll tell me. I shouldn’t have been arguing with her, I should respect her, She loves me dearly.. etc.
I’ve heard it all before. But you don’t know what she’s like.
Most of the time she’s like bipolar.
You can’t sense what to act around her because she’s so volatile. One minute she’s joking around with you, the second she’s mad. She slams things when she’s angry. she won’t speak to you. She’d tell you insults. She’d tell you to do things she herself doesn’t follow. And when you do the said things without her telling you, she won’t appreciate it, and worse, she’d slam it down your face verbally. When she’s mad about something, then she’s mad at you too. She’s making it clear that she’s not happy living with us, her daughters, and she’s better off somewhere else without having to deal with us. We are good for nothing besides giving her stress. She can’t wait for us to grow up so we can work and give back to her the money she spent on our education and give her back the time she wasted just to provide for us. It’s seems to us like if there’s only a chance that she could trade us with another set of children, she will.
This is what I am feeling and I am not even over reacting. I’m not childish and I’m not stupid. I cry when somebody hurts her and I get stressed just thinking on how I could give back to our family.
But it’s really difficult to be around her sometimes. I’ve keeping my actions in check, but now I can’t hold it anymore. We had a fight a while ago because she’s pushing me this job that I do not want. She asked me, and said that I have to give her my decision that instant. So I said no, I don’t want it.
And then it started. The word vomit flew out of my mouth. No, silly, I didn’t swore. I just told her some of the things I am feeling. Not even close to everything that I wanted to say. It’s difficult because you feel needed and yet unwanted.
Maybe you feel different with your mother. Maybe she’s sweet and she takes care of you like a real 50’s mom. Does she asks you if you’re back is sweaty? Gives you milk when you can’t sleep or asks you if everything is alright with your life right now? Does she understand how to deal with a child at one specific age group? Or does she treat you neither an adult nor a child. You’re simply.. a daughter.
I don’t want to hate my mother. I though child vs. mother was so overrated because of the movies.
But now it’s all clear to me, I wanted to be like her when I my time comes. I want to have her strength and perseverance in life. But I don’t want to be like that to my children. I’m sorry to say this, but God forbid..
Do you have any thoughts? I won’t judge you.