I don’t know where to begin or how to describe what I am feeling right now.
It started with me, missing this person so I decided to browse through his photos. It made me smile and hurt a little inside because it made me miss him more. Thinking of the days left before we see each other again, I scrolled unknowingly some more. I clicked albums, scrolled down pictures and wondered dreamily what kinds of trouble he was up to before I met him.
Then one thing led to another and I found my browser open at a tumblr page.
It was the girl’s tumblr page.
So we can be on the same page on this post, let me tell you the background story first.
They were in love with each other for a year or so.
She was mean to him and he put him down a lot.
They fight everyday even for the smallest things.
She was bad mouthed and she hurts him always.
When he got enough of her bullshit, he left.
And oh yeah, before he left her he did something bad to her.
That honestly left a bit of stain on my trust too.
This story is of course very one sided. It was his side only. I am a firm believer that everybody has goodness inside them. They are no pure evil or pure good. With that in mind I often wondered what could the side of the other girl be. I’m sure she also has some things to say and some stories to tell me. But that was impossible because there is no way on earth that we’d sit down and chat about the common man in our lives.
The idea of talking about the past was getting old, so I let it go. Bringing it just once in a while to tease him or passively ask him about things troubling my mind.
As I am a curious person, in which I usually satisfy my craving for truth and knowledge, I don’t let go of things easily if I am not sure about it.
And so we arrived to this day.
The tumblr page was not my taste, let’s begin with that. I am not a fashion led consumer and I just usually wear what’s comfortable for that day and what I think looks nice on me. I also don’t like too girly stuffs and I don’t ever blog too much about pink, kawaii stuffs.
But that was as far as our differences go.
I was flabbergasted by the fact that we are almost alike. If we were friends, we could have been good friends.
We are both addicted to reading. – Not the same books.
We love writing. – I hate her grammar though. I’m not a Grammar Nazi most of the time, but even the grammar security guard would get mad for it.
We like art
We like singing
We like taking pictures
We like our pictures to be taken
We’re both creative and like doing crafts
We both think that Museums are heaven
I know this one’s stupid, but we both took the same online quiz and we got the same result. 50% Left and 50% right brained.
And yeah, we both fell in love with the same person.
I was really shocked because these were new information for me. And I didn’t know what to feel. All I know is that there was this stabbing pain in my heart. I saw there old posts about him and their love, quarrels, kisses and stuff. How she said he was the one hurting her and he was childish. How she missed him and how she wanted for them to reunite. They were OLD post by the way, so it doesn’t reflect her present feelings at all, but it hurts me all the same. All I can think of was the two of them together, holding hands, caressing each other, kissing, cuddling, hugging…
I dropped a tear or two, yes, but I wasn’t sure what I was crying for. It was the past and I am secure by his love for me. I have trust on our relationship and my heart knows things my brain don’t. So I was wondering why I felt upset.
And then it hit me.
I was afraid.
I was so scared.
Before today, all I know is that I have him and I will never ever do what she did. I will never do anything to purposely hurt him and we both do things that make our relationship stronger.
But that was before I learned things about her.
I thought that I was nothing like her. We were different.
But now, seems like we weren’t so.
And that scares me so much that it makes me cry just thinking about it. What makes her so different from me? We almost have the same personality and likes. What made him fall for me? Was it because I was almost her? What are the odds that he won’t treat me like he treated her? How impossible is it that we end the same way?
There were a lot of questions floating around in my mind and I am so scared to know the truth behind them.
I know that girls are emotional and boys sometimes just gets over a girl quickly. And she did hurt him so maybe that killed his love. Also, he reassures me all the time and I can both feel and see what he’s telling me.
But then, words are words. A lesson I had to learn the hard way.
But then, what if?
But then, more what ifs..?
I have this pain inside my chest and it makes me cry. I am so afraid to lose him, not because I cannot live without him, but because he might get over me as quick as he got over her. He might forget me. And thinking about him looking at another girl the way he looks at me now is like a torture on earth.
I know that these things, if not impossible, are inevitable when the right time comes. But still..
How can we be so different when we are so alike…?
So, do you think I am over reacting?