A Door

I refuse to live like a robot and drain the life of my life. I am scared to be like the regular adults walking around like drones letting the wave of the day pass, waiting for that day when the checks arrive in the mail. I want to live like I want to. Leave work when I want to and spend time with my friends or have a time for myself whenever I feel the need for a breather. Not that I am complaining with what I have because I am thankful for this blessing of a job. What I am talking about is that long term job that I will have someday. Would I be a nurse? Would I be not? Regardless if there would be an opening, would I want to live like that someday? A streak of rebelliousness is flowing inside my vein and the more I think about it, the more it’s getting clear to me that I do not want to be handcuffed like that. I want to grasp my life in the neck and not the other way around. I want something that I don’t have now – Freedom. But freedom comes with a very pricey tag. Believe it or not, it does, one way or the other.

The only way this plan would come out as a win-win situation is when I develop further my sense of creativity that it could sustain me and my free life – with some coins in my pocket and no weight on my backpack. It would take years before my mother get off my back since I still have to provide her a dream house she always tells me about and my sister still has 4 years ahead of her, so I guess that’s the minimum time sentence for me right now. Till then I have to think of ways to make myself useful and shit money.
After that, maybe I could finally have my life. Do what I want and get what I deserve because of it. And maybe, I could. I can see myself there, getting there. Just a little bit more of work and self-improvement and I’d get there. Maybe I won’t be as rich as I’d hope to be or maybe I won’t get the dream house that I’m planning to have and maybe I would. It’s just a matter of time now, and right choices.  I still has this one room inside my head that is open for all these drama  but sometimes I have to close it so reality won’t seep in. But tonight it’s wide open and here it is for all of you to read. That’s me and my dreams and frustrations. A 22 year old nurse with a title but not a job. An older version of the same kid with the same dreams. A child with debts and time to pay. A human that’s encapsulated by society’s murderous choices and dumb beliefs. And yet here I am, striving, hoping, praying that I not drown and finally sink into the world of lifeless walking drones in grayscale.

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