I woke up this morning, thinking how could it be possible that I was more depressed than yesterday.
These past few day I am.
Though I am not talking about it, as to not dwell on it more, I am.
I still don’t know why, but I am still blaming my hormones.
Lately I’ve been feeling a little alone, a little sad and a little useless. Maybe it’s because of the fact that I’m still sitting at home and not busting my ass at a hospital. Though the people around me are getting their hospital experiences one by one, it’s still really fine with me as I still believe that I am where I am supposed to be. It’s the people around me that’s keeping the pressure up. I know that they are just concerned for my well being, but I think they don’t really know the weight of the circumstances. How I am passing my CV’s to available hospitals, not caring if they have certain requirements I do not meet, not caring if the lady I passed my envelope to will put it inside a box, among the hundred other envelopes, above the other ten more boxes. How I hate to answer the questions “Nagtatrabaho ka na?” (Are you working now?) or “Ano nang ginagawa mo ngayon?” (What’s keeping you these days?) and hate the more to answer the same answers “Hindi pa” (Not yet) and “Wala” (Nothing).
And I am here still waiting for calls and texts.
I gave up all the plans I have of gaining any income while I am waiting. Nobody wants to support them besides my sister.
I know their side. I understand where they are coming from. But I wish they’d understand how hard it is for me to.
I wish I can get through a week without anybody asking me anything about work, hospitals and jobs.
I know what I should do. I know where I should be. I know where I want to go.
I am not a lazy ass person who just goes with the flow eversince I took Nursing.
Though I say that I don’t give much effort to my studies, I give my best to those that count.
And unlike other students, I was in there for the beating and I still came out fine.
I hope they’d see that and trust me.
I hope this PMS would pass soon. I hate being sad.